


Memories Will Taunt You

by TellHipHopImLiterate



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Character Death, I wrote this at school, Just a lot of sadness okay, M/M, Other, Sadness, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-14
Updated: 2014-11-14
Packaged: 2018-02-25 08:28:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2615096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TellHipHopImLiterate/pseuds/TellHipHopImLiterate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I come back to haunt you,<br/>Memories will taunt you,<br/>And I will try to love you,<br/>It's not like I'm above you<br/>~ Haunt - Bastille</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories Will Taunt You

The date was November 17th. Jongup could still remember that day perfectly. It was cold and raining.

It was the day that Jongup decided to commit suicide.

He was tired. So tired. He kept reminiscing. Remembering his childhood, remembering past relationships, everything. He remembered the first time he attempted suicide. It was bright and sunny. He was walking over the bridge. He overlooked the river and the first thought that ran through his head was 'I wonder what the water will feel against my skin', followed by a 'will anyone miss me?'

He was save a few minutes later when someone saw him jump over the bridge.

Jongup didn't live in a happy home. Or went to school with happy kids. His parents will always remind him how much he's a disappointment and that he wasn't that god. His siblings were no better. No matter what Jongup did, whether it's getting an A on a test he studied on or a drawing he did in class, his parents didn't accept them. His parents have told him time and time again that it's his fault that they're in this predicament. His siblings will back them up and told them they wished he was never born.

But the kids. Oh the kids he went to school with. He was always picked on because he was the smallest kid in class and was always a bit 'slow'. The truth was he didn't figure out how to read until the third grade. Someone from the school began to notice how Jongup was always lagging behind, always struggling to follow behind the other kids. It wasn't his fault, though. His parents never gave him books to read or even read to him when he asked them to. The school took it upon themselves to teach him how to read.

When he was fourteen, he began to change and look at things differently. He tried to be attracted to the other sex. He did. No matter what he did or tried to do, he couldn't. He began to love the strong muscles on a male instead of soft curves on a woman's body. That wasn't the worst bit, though. When he was sixteen, attempting to have sex with his then-boyfriend, he felt so uncomfortable, so disgusted. He told his boyfriend to stop so many times, that he was being extremely uncomfortable. His caring, sweet boyfriend ignored him and continued. He cried so hard and so loud that there was a point where his boyfriend shoved something in his mouth. Jongup began crying.

He didn't report it.

How could he? It's his word against his own.

Even if they believed him, being raped by another male was unheard of and would possibly dismiss him.

Jongup began to feel broken, like there was something wrong with him. He began to grow depressed, taking different pills to try and get himself to be happy.

It doesn't mean that they work.

His passion for dancing, the one stress reliever that helped him get through the hard times, began to dwindle. He felt so empty, so useless. He began to feel like dancing was more of a chore than a passion. He stopped a few years later.

His parents were furious and began to yell at him.

He talked to his friends about it once, but they told him it's just a phase and that he'll find the right person to have sex with. The problem with that is that he doesn't like sex. He watched all the porn so many times, and each time he did, he would get repulsed by it. It's not a phase, and he just feels like even more alone. Even more broken. Even more empty.

One good thing in his pathetic life happened was that he met someone who understood him. Someone who actually loved him.

Jongup met Bang Yongguk when he was twenty-three years old at a bookstore. They met when they grabbed for the same book. Jongup still remembered that day clearly. He remembered Yongguk's gummy smile, his hair being pulled back into a ponytail, his gray sweatshirt that he wore on cold days, his dark blue skinny jeans, and his Doc Martin boots. He remembered smelling something that resembled apples and cherries.

After that incident, Yongguk offered to buy Jongup coffee. He agreed. They both went out for coffee together. He ordered a vanilla bean latte while Jongup ordered a vanilla and caramel frap. They got to know each other and talked about random things. By the third date, they even opened up more and more. By the sixth date, Jongup began to feel comfortable telling Yongguk about his sexuality and his troubles.

Jongup learned that day that Yongguk was bisexual, but still preferred to the touch of a male than to a female. He told the older that he's gay, but doesn't really like sex. He learned a new word that day:

Asexual.

Yongguk told him that he attends a support group of people who are of different sexual orientations, and that some are in the same boat as Jongup right now. Confused. Empty. Broken. Jongup attended these meetings with him.

Two months later into meeting, Yongguk kissed him. It's what started their relationship.

Jongup felt protected and loved by the older man. He treated Jongup like he was Yongguk's everything. They went on playful dates, watched bad movies, and attempted to cook.

It didn't mean he got better.

He told Yongguk his depression, how he sometimes had suicide thoughts. Yongguk understood. He told him he suffered through depression, too, and that it's not fun. It's empty and dark. No matter what a person would try to do, they would still go back into that depression.

Jongup said it was like being in a hole. No matter how hard he tried to climb out of that hole, he always fell back in. Yongguk said that now he has someone to help when he fell back into that hole.

Jongup knew that this one man is his, and that he's glad that someone like Yongguk is in his life.

He was finally happy, for once.

However, like all sudden happiness, there comes an abrupt end. An abrupt misery.

Jongup and Yongguk were dating for three years. They were engaged, ready to be wed in about a month.

Yongguk had to work overtime that day. Jongup told him to be careful, that it was raining that day and that roads were slick. Yongguk promised that he would, and that he would see him later. And that he loved him.

Just because Yongguk promised to be careful, it didn't mean that other people would.

Jongup got the news that Yongguk died in a extremely bad car crash. The other driver was completely drunk and vision blurred. He crashed into Yongguk's car. Hard. On the driver's side. He was hit three times. Once by the drunk driver, another time when another driver didn't see Yongguk's car and collided with him on the driver's side, and the third time made him collide into a street pole by another car.

He was killed on impact.

Jongup collapsed. His fiancé, his Yongguk, his rock and the reason he continued to keep on living, was gone.

The day was November 17th.

He thought it was fitting.

No matter how many times Jongup tried to get over it, like his friends kept suggesting, he couldn't. He kept remembering him, about their plans for the future. How they were going to get married and adopt a bunch of children from years to come.

When he began remembering him, he began to remember his own past. He began to remember everything again. He remembered when he came out to his parents, how he was kicked out and he was forced to stay at his grandmother's house, who tried to 'get the gay out of him', as she said, by getting him a girlfriend. He remembered the taunts from his peers at school when he decided to come out as gay. He began to remember all the attempted suicides he tried to do. Jumping off bridges, hanging off by a noose, even taking pills. His memories began to get more vivid and worse. A voice in his head began to tell him that nobody cares about him, that he's better off dead.

He kept ignoring the voice in his head, but it kept growing. And growing. And growing.

He met with a therapist about it, but they only told him that with time, it'll eventually go away. They also prescribed him some pills to take to try and get the voice to go away.

It didn't.

The voice kept growing stronger. He stopped taking his pills. He stopped going to his therapist. He stopped hanging out with his friends.

He was fighting a battle he already lost when Yongguk was killed.

Maybe even before that.

Jongup made up his mind on October 27th.

He first began to give this stuff away. Things he didn't want or need anymore. The only things he kept were a couple of pictures, his and Yongguk's CDs, and his engagement and couples ring.

The first thing he did before committing suicide was to write a note. Who would read it? Who would miss him?

He signed the note and opened the container of Yongguk's sleeping pills that he kept because sometimes Yongguk had trouble falling asleep and opened his own pills that he took for the voice in his head. He began to take two at a time. Then four. Then eight. By the twelfth pills, he began o feel the effect. He took the sixteenth pills before he began to feel drowsy. After the twentieth, he laid down on his bed and felt numb. He felt his eyes growing heavy, his breath going shallow. He couldn't move. He heard someone entering inside his apartment, calling for him. The person was too late. 

Jongup finally closed his eyes. He felt like he was floating. A brilliant white light could be seen in his vision. When it became clearer, he saw Yongguk standing in front of him, smiling softly at him.

He was finally home.

**Author's Note:**

> I made myself cry, okay. I already know I'm a horrible person.


End file.
